Living with Candida and IBS C and D

When you are trapped inside your own head it can be hard to break out. This condition steadily makes you retreat into the deepest parts of yourself. In one day I can go from being happy to frustrated, and then downright suicidal. It also does not help that it’s hard to talk about or express with words. The people around me don’t understand it. They just ignore me because I’m an enigma, something broken and foreign they don’t have time to comprehend. This self made isolation takes a toll. I dislike people I’ve known my whole life. I don’t want to go anywhere, do anything, or talk to anyone most of the time. When I do, I complain. I bitch, I moan, I have a pity party. Does no one see how frustrating that is? The energy it takes to act normal is staggering and it leaves me physically and mentally exhausted. I go from hating myself to hating others because I can’t express anything about this except “It sucks.” I want to scream, and break things, rip out my hair and claw my skin. You feel ugly, broken, empty, mean, sad, any number of negative things everyday. WHO IS THIS PERSON LIVING INSIDE OF ME? I don’t even know who I am half of the time. Favorite music? I don’t know. Favorite movie? I’ll watch whatever’s on I guess. I feel like my whole personality is this huge thunderous black cloud of toxicity that is enveloping my insides slowly like poison and wiping out any trace of the person I used to be, the girl people wanted to be around and talk to. Being lonely is dangerous when you’re like this. Friends will tell you “You can talk to me, I’m here for you,” but they aren’t. They get bored, their eyes glaze over, and they eventually get annoyed when you constantly need to talk so you recede farther and farther into this hole until you break. I didn’t ask for this and the cure is a long battle, but I try EVERY SINGLE DAY to fight this to the best of my ability, to just get my life back and I have to fight it alone. I just hope I see the light at the end of the tunnel. I’m putting my faith in God and God alone.

Looking for yourself

Sometimes it can be hard to “find yourself” or even know what you want out of life. You can graduate high school, graduate college, and still not know what you want to do, what kind of person you are, where you want to live, or anything that an adult is supposed to know. Some are destined for something, then there’s others like me. The lost ones. We’re essentially just floating around from place to place, job to job, because we haven’t found our niche, or maybe we just don’t have one. This has put a lot of stress on me in the last few years. I just wanted to know everything all at once. I now realize that the best things in life take time, and research, and patience. It’s okay to be lost. Hope can never be lost forever, but it can be found.